Colombia swore in a new president on Friday: Abelardo de la Espriella, a 48-year-old celebrity criminal-defense lawyer who has never held elected office, promises to hit armed groups with "greater military force," and got the ceremony moved out of Bogotá entirely. That's your one sentence of event. Now the fun part: four outlets on our list introduced the same man to you this weekend, and depending on which one you opened, you met four different people. * Fox News went with "Trump ally 'El Tigre' sworn in as Colombia's new president amid continent's rightward shift." Note the family photo framing — he arrives pre-vouched, Trump's guy, part of a continental weather system. Then check the labels inside: Gustavo Petro is a "socialist President" with a "left-wing agenda," while de la Espriella is just a "conservative President." One man gets an ideology stapled to his name every time it appears; the other gets a polite adjective. And the new guy doesn't adopt a tougher security approach — he gets to "restore" one. Restore is a homecoming verb. It means the tough approach was the natural state of things and the last four years were the anomaly. * Also in the Fox piece: zero critics. Not one. The guest list — Milei, Noboa, Kast, described as "conservative presidents from across the region" — does the endorsing, and an analyst's only warning is that the poor man "inherits a house with the roof leaking and the safe empty." The house was ruined by the previous tenant, you see. The review section is closed. * Bloomberg's headline: "Outsider De la Espriella Takes Power in Divided Colombia." Two moves in eight words. "Outsider" — for a wealthy TV-famous lawyer, praised by the president of the United States, sworn in front of the King of Spain and sixty ambassadors. That is the most inside outsider ever manufactured. And "Divided Colombia" — division as pre-existing weather, nobody's doing, certainly not anyone in the headline. * NPR headlined "Colombia's new president vows to remake the country — and challenge rebel groups," called him an "outspoken conservative" who "ran as a political outsider" (at least NPR made the outsider thing his claim, not the desk's), and quoted an analyst saying "the pendulum swings back to the right." The pendulum. Physics did it. Nobody campaigns, nobody funds, nobody wins — the clock just ticks and here we are. * Al Jazeera: "De la Espriella sworn in as Colombia's leader, vows armed group crackdown." Inside, he's a "right-wing lawyer" — the only desk of the four that spelled the ideological label out loud on the new guy, not just the old one. AJ also quoted the sentence that actually tells you what changes: "the option of dialogue is completely exhausted." And here's our favorite detail: the $1 billion US security package the State Department announced for him, pending Congress. Fox told American readers Colombia is "one of the region's largest recipients of U.S. security assistance" — no number. NPR's piece skipped the package entirely. The outlet that put the American bill on the table, with the price tag, was the one owned by the Government of Qatar. * The wire desks, for the record, played it geographic: AP's headline — the one that ran in The Washington Post and on NBC — was about a "ceremony in Cali highlighting hard line on armed groups." Accurate, beige, allergic to labels. Fine. * So: same man, same Friday. At Fox he's an ally coming home to restore order. At Bloomberg he's an outsider arriving in bad weather. At NPR he's where the pendulum stopped. At Al Jazeera he's a right-wing lawyer with a billion-dollar American check pending. Colombians got a new president; you got whichever one your homepage decided you could handle.