England play Argentina in a World Cup semi-final on Wednesday, which means the British tabloids need a war by Tuesday. The Mirror found one: “WHATEVER! Jude Bellingham hits back at Thomas Tuchel.” A dressing room in flames, days before the biggest match in a generation. * Here's the entire war, in full. Tuchel called England's quarter-final win “sloppy” and said the team got a bit lucky — while calling Bellingham “world class.” Bellingham, asked about the criticism, said: “Yeah well, whatever. It's difficult out there, it's a tough shift. All the players have put in a tough shift.” * Read those again. The manager said the team must play better. The player said the team worked hard. Both things can be true at once — they usually are, that's roughly the job description of managers and players. The Mirror heard two compatible sentences and printed a duel. * Then came the sequel, which is where it gets properly funny: “CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Harry Kane weighs in on Thomas Tuchel and Jude Bellingham clash.” Kane, at a routine press conference, answered a question the press asked him about a clash the press invented. That's the fire brigade writing a breathless dispatch from the scene of an arson it lit itself. * The Mirror also reported Argentina had “submit(ted) a special request” to FIFA — sinister! scheming! — which turned out to be the designated away team asking to wear its away shirt, something Argentina also did in 1986, 1998 and 2002. A laundry decision, headlined like espionage. * England versus Argentina needs zero manufactured drama. It has the Hand of God, it has 1998, it has Messi against England for the first time ever. The rivalry is a five-course meal — and the Mirror walked in selling instant noodles.